On April 2, 2018, our dream of ever becoming parents shattered before us.
On April 20, 2018, my good friend battled a deadly cancer and left us. All I could think about for months was how I never got together for another meal not knowing that would be our last. I can still feel his cold hands that used to be warm with life. And a year after my friend passed away, on this month of April, my husband almost died in front of my eyes the day after our anniversary. But before all of this, on this month years ago, we said I do and braved this thing called marriage.
I keep a notebook of dates I want to remember or ones that just stick out. Most of these dates are accompanied by short phrases, images, and emotions. It’s been a way for me to note and process.
Maybe you too have one of months or even years where you’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop. You don’t recall the last time you genuinely smiled or allowed your shoulders to drop.
You’ve been on guard for too long.
April just happens to be one of those months that poured rained for years until finally, it felt like those seeds of courage, love, and strength, started to sprout and bloom into something other than a death of some kind-
(3/2024, ann arbor)
On April 3rd of 2023, my first book was published on my favorite person’s birthday. My nephew is my daily reminder that life is still-
good.
And today, April 2nd of 2024, my dear friend’s book comes out and I can’t wait to celebrate her tonight. Seeing your friends win is one of the best feelings in the world and even more of a blessing when you get to witness and share in their joys.
April was a dreaded month for too many years until new memories and milestones have come into the picture-
making my landscape bigger and brighter.
That’s the thing with grief…
it never really goes away, but new things will begin to take its place, allowing grief to be part of the picture, but it’s not the whole picture.
words for when you’re waiting for the good
If you are experiencing April showers or downpours, I hope and know you will see brighter days ahead. I am not sure when or how, but I believe it.
While you are waiting, here are some things that might be helpful that I wish I had done sooner-
*seek out new experiences
(Just a few weeks ago, I had my first root beer float. I know. Our friends were like this can’t be real, we need to make this happen so we did and of course she had to buy these ridiculous mustaches for all of us to wear for St. Patty’s Day. It was silly, simple, and fun. New experiences can be big, or small.)
*engage in safe spaces
*write it down. When I revisit what had happened, I am amazed at the fact that somehow, someway, I got through it. You might crawl your way through it and that doesn’t matter. be your own witness.
*nourish your body and mind - example: limit scary, intense books/movies, get fresh air, limit social media
*one tiny routine to keep you grounded. schedules keep us going.
In these April showers, I hope you experience a bit of spring this season. May new things take its place for you.
Until then, you are loved just the same.
love,
kyunghee
updates:
*I started a wellness blog! I will be writing there more regularly if you are interested in that kind of thing. I will be writing about wellness tips, maybe travel and other things.
*I am loving lighthearted readings right now. I love my friend’s new book, Relative Strangers that beautifully tells a story about grief in a real and gentle way that isn’t heavy. I didn’t think this was possible. If you love stories about sisters, family, hidden secrets, and love and loss, check it out.
*I will be speaking at a local Writing Contest Awards Ceremony for kids at the library on April 20th.
*I just finished Doctor Slump and I really liked it. It was better than I had expected. I appreciated the candidness of mental health in the medical profession along with family dynamics.
*Read this twice. It’s a beautiful, insightful, and powerful story about unexpected love.
*A few poetry partnerships will be happening soon with local businesses. Will keep you posted!
*this soup again. so hearty and easy.