are you your own friend?
friendship series part 4: reflections on the golden rule, 5 ways to self-love
it’s easy to love from afar and hard to love from nearby
were the words I wrote in my journal. All relationships start with a hope and a desire. A desire to know someone and hope that they feel the same. And then the honeymoon phase- the initial getting to know each other stage where everything is intriguing and engaging eventually and inevitably fades to reality-
seeing the other person as a human being just like you. We tend to react in two different ways- we are either relieved that they aren’t perfect after all even if you have admired them from afar, or we are left disappointed - how they looked better far away.
In other words, we are either compassionate in our relationships or we are critical. And this has everything to do with how the golden rule of life is actually more difficult to achieve than we think. Treat others the way you want to be treated is what we have been taught, but the truth is
we treat others the way we have been treated, according to research -
including ourselves.
Even though we know how we want to be treated - with care, empathy, understanding, and kindness - we know what we know through our nervous system, our bodies. We will react and act out of the experiences we’ve had as a default. If our bodies have experienced bonding and safety at a young age, this is how we would naturally treat others. And, if our bodies have experienced rejection and judgement, that is naturally how we would treat others (unless of course with some healing work)-
including ourselves.
Do you find yourself disconnected from the self-care phrases like “be kind to yourself”, “take care of yourself”, “treat yourself”? Are you left feeling confused on how this actually works? That you really want to treat yourself with kindness and be your own cheerleader in life, but your critical mind is louder than the soft voice of compassion. I know how you feel.
I am very critical on myself and even if I may do all the fun self-care things that feels good in the moment, my day-to-day conversation with myself is nothing like how I would treat a good friend. I know much of this came from my critical dad and my overprotective mom. Too judgmental or too cautious - I find myself saying things like
“Why did you just do that, that was such a dumb thing to do” or “That’s too scary, don’t do it.”
Can you relate?
Our internal dialogue is familiar. It’s the one we grew up hearing over and over and soon, we claim it as our own. But, we don’t have to anymore.
How do we then treat ourselves the way we should have been treated? What does being our own friend mean?
5 ways to start being your own friend
I hope this small list helps you in your healing journey of loving yourself, treating yourself with grace, and learning to be your own friend. I say learning because it is learned, like how hating ourselves is learned too. And if we can learn, it also means we can unlearn and re-learn. Here are some things that have supported me in my own self-love journey
Practice honesty with your friends/family. State your opinion. A deep rooted seed of low self esteem is shame. And this shame comes from being rejected. We can all recall times when we have been rejected by someone or something. And it can take just one incident to shut us down from showing up as our selves. We stop putting ourselves out there, even speaking up in front of friends thinking that our thoughts and ideas do not matter. Even trivial opinions like where to go for dinner. Maybe you are used to having other people make all the decisions while you stay in the sidelines and just go along with the flow. But, once in a while, to be your own friend is to show up and speak up. If this sounds scary and is new for you, I suggest trying it out with safe people. You have a voice and your voice does matter.
Put something on the calendar that is just for you. Our calendars are filled with obligations like work, taking care of our family, our home, etc. Try putting one thing on the calendar per month (at least) that is just for you. This is where we have to suspend our judgment of what this could look like. Self care isn’t just a spa day or buying something expensive for yourself. It could, but it doesn’t have to be. Think - if you had one hour to yourself, how would you want to spend it? If that is hard to answer, you could think about what might bring you energy, relaxation, or relieve some stress? A friend of mine used her precious time to clean out her closet. I know this is not a fun activity, but it’s something she has been wanting to do forever, but hasn’t had time due to her very full life. But one day, she just put it on her calendar just like any other important tasks and appointments and she did it. She immediately felt lighter and happier. It was for no one else but for herself.
Put up an encouraging reminder that you can believe in. Many affirmations do not work because it’s too far from what we actually believe. For example, “I can do anything” might be too far from what you believe, but “I can take this one step at a time” is believable -therefore will encourage you rather than discourage you. You can put up a sticky note on your computer, bathroom mirror, refrigerator, etc. I know this seems too simple, but sometimes, it’s the simple things that work.
Practice compassion. Take inventory of your current life’s circumstances. If you are wondering why you aren’t able to get much done like you used to, or feel extra tired, or even unmotivated? Check in. What has happened in your life recently? (or even the world) Chances are, you are exhausted and are carrying too much. This is when you need to not push through with toxic positivity, but you need to step back and revise the plan, the goal. You would tell your best friend to take it easy, to not be so hard on themselves. At the end of the day, when something is left undone, so what?
Practice saying “I am sorry” less. This one is hard for me. I think “I am sorry” is practically engrained in my vocabulary. If I need to change plans with friends, it’s “I am sorry but”, or when I haven’t texted back right away, it’s “I am sorry but”. Many situations we say “I am sorry” to are not things we should really be apologizing for. Whether you just had an exhausting week and don’t feel like going out, or things came up with family so you’ve been a little MIA- are all things that no one needs to apologize for. I think this simple yet difficult act of taking out “I am sorry but” phrase in our conversations could instill grace. Grace is what we really deserve, not guilt.
I hope this week, we can give each other much deserved grace, including ourselves.
more love grows from grace
guilt only stifles it.
Is there a topic or a life question you would love to read about? Please leave me a comment of feel free to email me.
Thank you for being here.
Love,
Kyunghee
Grace before Guilt 💕