do you let others celebrate you?
celebrating ourselves and others- childhood influences, vulnerability, and relearning
Maybe I blame my parents or my introverted nature of focusing on inner thoughts rather than external happenings- or both, but
I am not good at letting others celebrate me, including me celebrating me.
I am pretty sure others can relate to this. It doesn’t have to be anything big like a birthday, but even any small compliment makes me feel uncomfortable and I easily shut it down with “oh that’s not true” or quickly change the subject without any acknowledgement.
Love language in my household as a child came in a form of lots of words, but not “words of positive affirmations” if you are familiar with the Five Love Languages. They were words of either criticizing how I could have done better, or it was a comparison to someone else they knew who easy got an A. So when you only hear critique and comparison, you never learn what acceptance and celebration looks like and feels like because that comes from experience too. I tried to shrug it off because I know many Korean parents show love in different ways. While this is true, what is also true is that it doesn’t mean those negative comments don’t affect us. It does. Healthy sense of identity is experienced, practiced, and given over time.
It’s easy to have a distorted view of “celebrations” when criticism was the norm. Not only does it make us feel uncomfortable, but it can also be seen as being “boastful”. I was taught to be humble. Even if I was really good at something, I was made to fit into the crowd and fade into the background. Standing out meant I was no longer part of the community.
Strangely though, it was completely okay for my parents to “boast” about me in front of their friends, but not okay for them to actually tell me “I am proud of you” to my face. This dynamic of saving face in front of their friends was the only occasion where talking positively about their kids was acceptable, even expected. So forever, my view of what it meant to “celebrate” myself and each other was confusing.
What I have learned is that although it was super hurtful having to overhear my dad compliment me as he bragged to his friends about me, it is possible the reason it was hard for him to express this to my face is vulnerability. Sure there are cultural influences of course, but I believe vulnerability is part of it. He wasn’t going to go there. Not with his daughter.
To celebrate ourselves takes vulnerability. To tell a friend just how much they mean to you and how proud you are of them takes vulnerability. So perhaps, this might be one of the reasons letting ourselves go there is hard.
It’s letting our guard down and saying, I really did a great job here and I am proud.
how to celebrate yourself and others
When we can start to see that celebrating is not about boasting, but it’s about taking the moment to acknowledge the good, I think we would do more of it. We are too quick to acknowledge the bad that happens, but gloss over the good. Here are some ways we can try to let celebrations in a bit more, or start to-
When someone compliments you, say thank you. It may feel strange so it will come with practice.
Smaller goals allows space for us to actually be motivated and not overwhelmed. And when we are motivated, we are more likely to cheer ourselves on.
When someone offers you to be involved in something you feel that you are not “qualified” for, reframe your thought from “not qualified” to “privilege”. When we answer from a place of privilege, then we are focused on gratitude rather than feelings of comparison or worry.
Celebrate each other, just because. Have you ever wanted to write a letter to someone, or take someone out for a meal, or send a text- not out of any special occasion or accomplishment, but simply because you just want to let this person know how awesome they are. We need more celebrations of just because.
Let others celebrate you. We think it’s only for us, but it’s also for them. It feels so good when we get to shower each other with attention and care. I learned this from my sister. She would often say to me, “ I hope you let others love you.”
Rethink milestones and time. We often hold back (I know I do) acknowledging the good because we feel that it’s too late. When others have done what you did 10 years ago, why should you take time to celebrate? Because you did it and because time doesn’t matter.
words for when celebrating is new for you and it feels awkward
I am writing for myself, too. I hope these words offer grace, knowing that you are worthy of knowing you are good.
when I celebrate myself, i am taking a moment to notice the good in me.
people in my life deserve to know just how much i appreciate them.
i can celebrate my own way. there is no wrong way.
even when i don’t meet my goals, i am worthy of celebrating my efforts.
it feels good to celebrate together.
i hope you take a moment to take in joy this week-because that’s what celebrating really is. taking in joy, and giving joy.
-kyunghee
personally….
I want to share 3 updates with you.
First, as of April 3rd, my book is out in the world! See Us Bloom is a children’s picture book that is written in poems. I am so excited it is here!
Second news, although this weekly newsletter is still new, I will be making some changes soon on its frequency and free vs paid options as I am thinking about how I want to move forward in my work. Thanks so much for reading and sharing! Hope it’s been resourceful for you.
And last but not least, last month I had the absolute privilege of speaking with Patrick Armstrong on his podcast, Conversation Pieces, about my book. Each conversation I get to have about my book, they are all so different because each person brings out a different element to the story. I deeply appreciate the time I had with Patrick as I share openly about the book writing process and other person things like my grief journey. Hope you will take a listen!