Holidays have a way of opening doors you want to keep closed-
where your hidden emotions and memories reside, while you try hard to not visit in hopes that one day the images will become a blur and your sadness or anger is covered by love.
But, anything that is buried is just that. Buried, not lost and perhaps even fully present.
I was reminded of this at a dinner date with my friend. She was sharing with me about a distant loved one who has recently passed away and her death made her reflect on the kind of life she wanted to live - one that has more meaning and to focus on what matters. We had an intimate conversation about meaning of life and I couldn’t help but to notice a barrier - not between us, but one I had with myself. We got to talking about church and thank goodness, this is a friend who I can let down my hair without any reservations knowing that I am held no matter what -
no matter how much I have changed.
I haven’t gone to church in most of 2023 for many reasons that are important to me. But, one of those reasons I started to question is “Is it okay to not go because of some handful of people who have hurt me so badly and they are absolutely ignorant of it?”, but “ What about the rest?” I know it may sound childish, but if a church is supposed to feel safe above anything else, it is certainly not the word I would use to describe it.
After our girlfriend date, I stayed up pondering about whether I had truly forgiven these people in my life. This wasn’t about whether I should forgive so that I can return to church, but
how has it kept me from the good in my life and what has it cost me? To not forgive is costly.
Are there people in your life whom you have yet to forgive? Could forgiveness lead to ultimately loving yourself?