friendship series part 2: growing pains with friends
awkward seasons, bravery to talk about it, learning to grow
Do you play guessing games with your friends?
Being indirect, avoiding, all because you aren’t really sure how to have an honest conversation? Read on as I share a personal story of how I hurt my friend and what that experience has taught me about change and building a close friendship.
I used to get all my friendship advice from the iconic sitcom in the 90s called Friends. But when I entered adulthood, what I saw on TV was far from the realities of how complicated friendships are, because
human beings are complicated, multi-layered.
We all have our own friendship history- the good and not so good- and we can’t help but to see people only through the lens we ourselves have experienced. Which, in the end, is biased and limited. And, something else we don’t realize is that friendships change.
Because we as humans change, it’s inevitable that our friendships will change too.
And in this change, we play a lot of guessing games.
Maybe you have explicitly told a friend you want to get to know them more, that you care to deepen the friendship, but chances are, this is not how we usually talk to our friends. We rely on clues to guide us - like how much you text each other, see each other, or the lack of. And this leaves us in confusion when suddenly, or gradually, things shift- there is distance that wasn’t there before and you aren’t sure how to put the puzzle pieces together anymore-
or maybe you don’t want to. Maybe you let it fall. But how are you supposed to know what to do when everything is a game of dance? You notice you aren’t dancing to the same song anymore and it feels like, they want a different partner. Maybe you want a different partner. Suddenly, the friendship feels awkward. Your once close friendship feels distant.
You have changed. They have changed.
Sometimes, these are growing pains.
It doesn’t have to be all bad, but we let it turn bad because it is just too vulnerable and scary to actually do what is needed-
to talk about it.
How can you tell a friend you have changed and you want to know if they can still accept you? Or how do you tell a friend you need space?
Do you even have this conversation, or is that a recipe for disaster? Let me tell you a story…
why i didn’t talk to my best friend for a year and what i learned
I am still humbled when I think of one of my best friends whom I have known for 15 years now. Those who haven’t known me for long might assume I’ve always been a vulnerable person, but this is far from the truth. I used to pride myself in being independent, not needing anyone. I think it’s a combination of my immigrant survival to the fittest mentality, oldest child in the family, and my enneagram type 5 that could cause me to isolate myself when I am under a lot of stress.
I hurt my BFF a lot years ago when I basically isolated myself when my husband and I were going through our ivf journey. The pain, the stress, anxiety, grief of all was too much for me to reach out to anyone, even my BFF. This is when you need your besties the most, but I caved into my nature of needing to go through it on my own.
Back then I thought it was because I didn’t want to burden her, but reflecting on it years later, I realized it was because I was so scared to be vulnerable. I didn’t want to look helpless. I didn’t want her to see me in ways she has never seen before-
because that felt too much, kind of like breaking through all barriers. I wasn’t ready.
She called, left messages, texts, weekly and then monthly… and after some time, the texts, the calls, it all stopped. And this silence between us went on for almost a year. I was heartbroken even though it was me who built this wall between us.
I wish I could recall the day we got “back together”, but it was after several very awkward hangouts with our husbands. I couldn’t believe this person who felt like a sister to me now felt like an acquaintance. We went from having so much to talk about to almost forced small talk. Our relationship has changed. But, I think we were determined to change it back, for the better.
Fast forward some months after, I remember us sitting in front of her porch steps on a hot August evening and her words to me were, “I don’t know if you know this Kyunghee, but I love you. I don’t think I’ve actually said that you. I love you. I am also hurt by you.”
I replied, “I love you, too. I am sorry I shut you out of my life. I actually don’t really know how to open up to anyone.”
For years of knowing each other, this was the first time we ever said I love you to each other and it was the first time we actually could be honest about our hurts, too.
That night, we had one of those define the relationship talks that I thought only happened in romantic relationships. I was embarrassed of my actions towards my friend, but needed to stay with the discomfort in order for what mattered. And what mattered to me was that my friend and I stick together to see our friendship through this difficult and strange season. And, we did. Closer than ever.
I don’t share this to say all friendships will end up this way, but the biggest take-away from this experience is that even close friendships will see awkward seasons.
And is the friendship worth seeing through its awkward seasons? Only you know.
six lessons when friendships go through growing pains-
Here is what I learned about close friendships and growing together:
It’s inevitable for close friendships to go through changes. Change means there is growth.
Close friendships go through awkward seasons. This usually means there is personal growth you are going through (or they are going through). For example, I was going through a big change in learning about my nature of being arms-length with people and how I can learn to be vulnerable.
Don’t expect your close friends to read your mind. Tell them you love them. We often do this with our families. How they should already know we love them. But we all need to hear it.
Have the conversation. Actions do speak louder than words, but that doesn’t mean words need to be absent. Especially when there is distance or something is off, it’s important to have a conversation. Trust me, I know it’s scary. I always wonder what would have happened to my friend and I if we never had the talk. If it happens that the conversation can’t be received with open hearts, empathy, and care, then you know the truth anyway. No more guessing games.
There is more than one way to be close. With one of my friends, now that we’ve been living in different countries for more than a decade, we probably only talk a few times a year and see each other once yearly. We also know neither of us are good at keeping in touch and it’s a mutual understanding. When we do connect once a year, it’s like time has not passed and we can talk about anything. Friendships change, but the closeness doesn’t have to change.
Let the rhythm of the friendship change with life’s circumstances. It’s easy to keep tabs on who is making more effort than who, but in my opinion, that just leave us bitter and disappointed. Life is rarely constant nor predictable. There are seasons where your friend will make more efforts to hang out, call because they might have more space. And there will be seasons where you have more space to make intentional efforts. This gives you space for both of you to change. You know you have a solid foundation when you no longer have to worry about the stability of a friendship.
I hope these words give you courage: courage to change, courage to deepen your friendships, courage to let your friends change too.
Next week, we will talk about what to do for those in-between friendships - is ghosting really the best method, or should you tell someone you actually don’t want to be friends?
Thank you for reading. If you liked this post, please share it with a friend who might enjoy it too.
I hope you have a peaceful week,
Kyunghee