this card changed my life
reflections on titles, freedom to redefining it for ourselves and each other
This Mother’s Day, yes, I felt grief. It was the numbing kind that sort of just stayed quiet next to me, while I enjoyed my time with my umma and also thought about my sister - two best mothers I know. A quiet grief that lifted and weighed me down throughout the day.
Mother’s Day eve, Mother’s Day, and post Mother’s Day are days I either limit my social media intake or avoid it all together- depending on where I am at. You never know how and when grief will overwhelm you.
Several days after Mother’s Day, I felt like I could exhale again. And then it came. Overwhelming love.
There are gifts we love, there are gifts we re-gift, and then if you’re lucky- someone sends you a gift that changes your life. Changes the way you see yourself and the kind of love you want for others.
My sister sent me a Mother’s Day card this year. First Mother’s Day card for me. Here is the photo of it.
My immediate reaction before reading it was- how does the word “sister” who isn’t a mom and “mother’s day” live in the same sentence. I had to sit with these two words, these two roles for a moment before I read the handwritten words inside.
My sister expressed that growing up, because she didn’t have a bond with our umma, she found that in me, in us. That I had carried her before she could become her own. “I will never understand the burden that fell on you but you loved me no matter what. You gave me love and to me, that is a mother” were the words sealed with a permanent bond between us that we had created for ourselves. I honestly didn’t know the extent of how my little sis experienced our relationship.
I sobbed and I sobbed and I sobbed. Not out of grief but out of love. I felt a release and a sense of a renewal.
It was time.
It was time to let go of old beliefs that mocked me for years- not a mother, never a mother, only in your dreams. I now know I have mothered. I know now I am a mother figure.
gift of calling each other out
We’re all so good at calling each other to expose the bad. But, what if we called each other out to expose love instead?
This card changed my life and I am not the same. My sister called me out, as her mother.
When roles and titles we play are defined for us by culture, we assume these roles with rigidity and commitment with no room for change, growth, and most of all- no room to make it our own. But, when we are able to redefine it, we show each other the good- that who you are belongs here.
What does it mean to be a friend, a spouse, a sibling, a father, a mother, a daughter, a son, etc - list can go on and on. I don’t know the specifics because only you know.
I was called out as a mother, even though I don’t have children of my own.
I was called out as a mother, even though I am her older sister.
To call someone out is to tell them who they are to YOU, no matter what the society says. That there’s no one right way to carry that role. What does it look like to do this for ourselves and others? What titles or roles hold grief for you and need releasing?
words for when you feel like you don’t quite fit the title
“I am a writer” was a sentence I couldn’t own for years. When I worked with my writing coach back in 2020, I thought we were going to work on how I can write better, get an agent, and start making money. Yes, all these things are important, she agreed, but “is the role of a writer part of who you are and if yes, how does it show up?”
I was writing in secrecy. My identity as a writer was a secret, too. I couldn’t even out loud say it to myself, let alone introduce myself as a “writer”.
But at some point, you have to own what you already are, I heard a little voice inside.
How I started to carry myself and conversations I allowed myself to be engaged in without feeling like an imposture (always working on it) all came from this one identity shift- I am a writer and I said it. And I said this long before I had any publications out- a book, essays, articles, etc. This is the work of reframing titles- it doesn’t have to look like that. I am a writer because I write- even if that means only in my journal. I am a runner because I run- even if I don’t run a race. I am a wife- even if my husband does most of the cooking. Going against what the popular culture says. I don’t quit fit what it means to be many things to be honest and owning what it means for me in my life has brought freedom.
When we find the courage to say “I am a ______”, we give others the courage to do the same.
I hope these words affirm who you already are-
i am a _________, even if _________ . (fill in the blank for yourself)
when i can define my own identities, i am free to be more of myself.
i let people love me fully.
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have a peaceful week,
kyunghee