how to make decisions you won't regret
story of when we bought our home, people-pleasing, & courage to listen to yourself
Hello August.
The month of extremes and in-betweens. Hot humid days, whispers of a distant autumn felt in almost chilly mornings. These are the days we hold onto- wanting to linger in its warmth, yet anticipating a new season. Ready for a change, maybe.
I don’t know about you but a new month, especially one that physically feels different is usually marked with some decisions to make. Whether it’s a decision you need to face or you’re intentionally wanting to reflect on current life’s rhythms because you desire a change, decisions mean a change. To stay the same is also a decision and the change is your change in perspective or acceptance of what is.
I remember when we were looking for a home in the Ann Arbor area about 8 years ago and couldn’t find one that fit our budget. I have to admit that I was crushed. When we bought our home in Ypsilanti, I wasn’t happy about it at the time. It just wasn’t what I had imagined in many ways. But I grew to really like our home and the cozy and very friendly neighborhood we found ourselves in. I could have enjoyed my home earlier, if I allowed myself.
What was keeping me from seeing the good? Back then, I used to be a big people pleaser (still working on it!) and cared so much about how others perceived me. I wanted to live in the “nicer” neighborhood to appear a certain way, especially to my parents. But, finding a home where we won’t have to stress out about money and can live comfortably is what mattered to us in the end. Having a peace of mind was a priority.
For the first year or so, I didn’t give love to our home. My parents were disappointed we were not living in Ann Arbor and when others can’t be happy for you, it’s easy to doubt yourself. Can you relate?
This and other examples in my life came to be from making decisions based on what others wanted from me (including societal and cultural pressures). I either made decisions leaving my own values and thoughts out of it or I would make a decision that I knew I wanted, but was filled with doubt and insecurity. When we make decisions out of people-pleasing, we become even more of a people pleaser. When we ignore our own voices over and over again, we begin to lose trust in ourselves.
There will come a time, if it hasn’t already, that people-pleasing will cost you. It will cost you your mental health, physical health, peace, and time - time spent trying to live a certain way for certain people.
Is people-pleasing getting in the way of making decisions you can be confident in?
You are not alone. It takes practice and actually working those muscles. The trust muscles that are already inside of you.
how to make decisions you are happy with
I have created guiding questions for myself when I need to make a decision that has weight. This isn’t a perfect formula, but I hope it guides you into thinking about some questions you may not have thought about and the courage to start making decisions that puts your values first.
Make a “worst case scenario” list. This is my go-to. I love doing this and I am amazed this works every time. When you are really unsure of what to do, write a list of possible bad things that could happen if you chose this. You will notice that it is highly unlikely for most worst case scenarios to happen in real life. Now, face the ones that could potentially happen. When I do, I face reality and you know what? Those worse cases aren’t life or death and I can endure it. It isn’t too bad after all. Dealing with my parents’ disappointments, yes it was hard, but I could handle it. Making this list will give you courage to make a decision that is right for you.
Do tell 1-3 people you trust and who know you well. You can do this when you have made up your mind or when you want support thinking things through. For me, it’s very important that I tell those who will be think partners with me- not someone who will persuade me one way or the other. You also want to share so that you have the emotional support and someone who will keep you accountable because they believe in you. I personally like to take some time on my own to sort things through before sharing it with even those close to me. In order to get better at listening to your gut, you have to practice listening.
Ask yourself: how will this decision make me feel? It doesn’t take a whole lot to know this. It’s usually immediate. Anxious. Burdened. Relieved. Nervous, but excited. Lighter.
** Career related question that gives me clarity: What kind of life do I want, NOT what kind of job do I want? Jobs usually determine what your daily life might look like. The job needs to fit into your life, not the other way around.
Ask yourself: Is this decision right for this season? We want it all, but sometimes, later is better. We don’t want to situate ourselves to burn out.
Ask yourself: Does this decision align with what I value in life or am I living up to other people’s values?
words for when you need courage to listen to yourself
i am patient as i learn to trust my own voice.
i will be okay even as i make this change.
not everyone might agree with me and that’s okay.
i value the support system around me.
i am proud of all the ways i am taking courage.
May this month of August bring you steadiness as you face small or big changes. I hope these words give you the courage you need. Thank you for reading! Paid subscribers, I will see you next week for weekly news. Everyone else, see you next month!
love,
kyunghee