when grief and goodness lives in the same space
reflections on leaving grief alone, allowing yourself to laugh again
What a week.
I had the honor of writing and reading a poem for a local performing artist collaborative group IS/LAND for their latest project, Kizuna Tree. It was such a beautiful and power experience and a lit a fire in me. This desire to do more live readings to tell stories and collaborate with more artists. I also had another opportunity to do a live reading via zoom of a poem that I contributed for Roots: Korean Diaspora project with amazingly talented individuals - who am I? Thankful. And, See Us Bloom continues to be spreading beyond Michigan. A relaxing walk at the park with a friend. Seeing a friend’s band play at the one and only The Blind Pig. My soul was filled up.
It was also the week I heard the news of a friend’s sister passing away from a long battle with cancer. It was also the week a friend is diagnosed with MS. Also the week my big aunt left from her visit to MI and I am just unsure when I will see her again as she is not well. Also the week when I came home one day and the bird’s nest where the mama had laid her eggs was somehow completely destroyed and shattered the unborn baby eggs. Leo and I cried for days.
It was also that week. Grief.
The more I live life, the more moments of joy and sorrow live in the same room, under the same breath.
The more I live life, I wonder if joy is felt more because of pain, or if pain is bearable because of joy.
Grief doesn’t have to be spoken to be felt. For me, some grief is constant no matter how happy I may appear. And in this constant grief, it is bearable - it is livable, because goodness surrounds us. Goodness is protecting this grief and giving us room to experience laughter, somehow.
Do you believe goodness still comes for you?
your grief wants you to go, go and be happy
But how do you really allow yourself experience the good in the midst of the terrible, heart-wrenching things that are going on? I think that’s it. The allowing. Sometimes, it takes a little encouragement, a little pep talk- not the kind that says, “stop crying. you need to move on”, but the kind that says,
“I know you are hurting, and you are allowed to put that aside and do this fun thing. It doesn’t mean you care less about it. You are allowed to smile as much as you are allowed to cry.”
I don’t know about you, but when I hear hard news, I can get into a cycle of shutting myself up from the world and soak in my sorrow for a long time. I do find this nourishing and it’s important to get present with our grief. And, when goodness comes, it’s okay to let the grief be, let it breathe, and go. Go do that thing that will nourish your soul in a different way. We don’t have to feel guilty about it. It doesn’t mean we aren’t sad anymore. It doesn’t mean we don’t care.
to grieve and to lean into joy are both ways of loving. it’s our way of living on.
There are days, my husband and I will still (yes because some grief is lifetime isn’t it?) talk about what kind of parents would we have been like - how we would probably mess them up even if we’ve tried our best, how the kids would much rather prefer his cooking and his easy-going personality, but would maybe come to me first when they are sad.
There are days we would talk about all the places on our travel list- just the two of us and the freedom we do have. We talk about how much we want to do for the world and how there are purposes just as important as being a parent. I believe this now. I believe being a parent isn’t the only purpose anyone is on this earth.
Attending to both are ways of loving.
When I reflect on why it’s actually a bit hard to lean into joy is this need to somehow be dedicated to my grief. I know it sounds strange and I wonder if it has something to do with being Korean- this commitment to sorrow (han?). Personally, I am still uncovering the relationship between joy and sorrow in the context of being Korean.
words for when joy and sorrow live under the same breath
If you are watching moments that could bring laughter, nourishment, relaxation, energy pass you by because you aren’t quite sure if you are allowed to let it in, you aren’t alone. Your grief is still real even if you let it be for a little while. It’s okay to just let it be. I hope these words help you to experience moments of goodness when they come.
i make space for goodness in my life.
i nurture my grief by leaving it alone.
i can love without letting grief overwhelm me.
i deserve to experience laughter.
have a joy-filled week,
kyunghee
this is it. last free newsletter.
There are changes to this newsletter. To be honest, I am scared and who knows, this might just not work out. But.
You may ask why am I not keeping the weekly news free? I know it sounds unfair. Forever, I worked for free and offered my services of writing, yoga, meditation classes, etc- all for free. I think we are all strapped for time too. Less free time. I still do plenty of free work, but me betting on myself and seeing it as worthy enough to be paid is something I personally need to do in order to take my own advice when I tell others “your work has value and you should get paid.” It’s an act of complete courage and vulnerability. I may get one subscriber or 100. Who knows.
So, we shall see where it leads. Thank you for opening up your inboxes and reading this free weekly news for the past months. There will still be something for free subscribers! I appreciate you and all the emails you send! Here are the changes:
For paid subscribers, you will receive weekly news starting June 19th. I am taking a few weeks off to take a breath and create content and ideas. Send me ideas of what you want to hear about if you would like.
I will start a monthly newsletter that is free. Monthly will consist of the content that is similar to this, but you will just receive it first Monday of the month.
Hope you will consider being a paid subscriber!
random good stuff
Some random good stuff from the week that I just want to share.
It was solo dinners for me all week. Kimchi bokkumbop with umma’s kimchi saved me.
We love homemade juices and it’s the best when you don’t buy anything for it and just use whatever is in the fridge and it turns out so good!
New fav: carrots, grapefruit, ginger: sweet, tangy, spicy. And the color!
I take care of my skin like it’s my religion. This is my favorite cleansing balm before I use a water based cleanser. Lasts a long time, only 4 ingredients, price is good, and it smells amazing. My third one.
"The more I live life, the more moments of joy and sorrow live in the same room, under the same breath.
The more I live life, I wonder if joy is felt more because of pain, or if pain is bearable because of joy." this is beautiful