I do this thing where after almost every encounter except for ones with close friends, I get obsessed with replaying the interaction, the dialogue, in my head-over and over again until I am convinced it all went okay.
“Was that response okay?” “Did it show that I was nervous?” “I wonder if they like me”, etc. Social situations feel like going on a first date and I am convinced getting older doesn’t make it easier.
If I know the part I am supposed to play at a gathering, then I use that to scaffold what I need to do, who I need to be in that situation which makes it much easier and it gives me comfort and confidence. For example, if I am teaching a workshop, I know I am playing the role of a teacher so it’s clear to me how I need to move about in that social situation. But, if it’s an open-ended gathering of people hanging out and I know I am about to meet a lot of new faces, you can almost guarantee it will take every ounce in my body to actually go. And when I am there, you can be sure that I am high alert- wondering about people’s impressions of me- I may look like I am engaged, but most likely I am not. So, I will very conveniently hang out by the food or excuse myself to go to the bathroom more than once. This also happens in situations I am familiar with like church. The greeting time at church is the worst time.
I used to manage it by simply avoiding situations with large crowds and situations I wasn’t confident in. It was the only way I knew of managing it, but it was what it was - avoidance. And, we know what happens with avoidance. It doesn’t go away. It doesn’t get better.
I used to blame myself for my social anxiety. And I think with anything that is taboo, it’s easy to feel alone when you feel that no one else experience it. No one talks about it, therefore, creating more isolation and a false belief something is wrong with you.
I envied those who were charismatic in their speech and the way they carried themselves effortlessly, drawing people in. I envied those who were “popular” and had many group of friends. Why couldn’t I be one of them? Why is socializing scary and burdening for me? But, over the years, I learned that I was not to blame and it’s not so black and white as it may appear. It wasn’t my fault after all. It’s not your fault.
I read that those who had negative experiences growing up like bullying are more likely to have social anxiety, and certain temperaments like shyness can be factor, too. As an immigrant, I experienced rejection from a young age so I know I fear not being liked. And, how it plays out can look different too. It’s not only displayed in shyness, but those who may be overly extraverted might be compensating for the anxiety they feel. And not all people with social anxiety are anxious around all people, but only around certain circumstances like giving a speech, etc. It’s different for everyone. My Asian parents who never provided space for friendships, nor put emphasis on social emotional health I think is a factor, too.
So if avoidance doesn’t work longterm, what could help someone who experience social anxiety actually experience presence, calm, and enjoy social situations like others?
what has helped me in my social anxiety
It wasn’t until I noticed the ripple effect in my work life, sleep, and other daily activities that I realized I needed to do something about it rather than avoiding.
Imagine going into “battle” (because that’s how social situations feel to me at times) and not having trained for it. Chances are, it won’t go well. I see it in the same way. I needed to prepare for it rather than using my energy to stress out about it, making me feel worse.
Because social anxiety increases anxiety level and creates mental exhaustion, taking care of our mental and physical health needs to be a top priority. I am pretty rigid when it comes to my bedtime and morning routines and it is partly because I know I will see people the next day (usually at work). I get enough sleep, exercise, drink enough water, limit caffeine intake, are just some of the things that keep me calm and happy.
One thing that has helped me tremendously in my social anxiety is engaging and committing to social settings that makes me feel happy. I prioritize my friends who are enjoyable to be around. It is a stereotype to say those with social anxiety do not like people. It is far from the truth.
I also have been open about it with close friends. And I realize, more people experience it than we think. Even people who appear to be calm in social situations.
Consider asking yourself these questions to figure out the best mental/emotional/physical support for you:
What helps you when you are anxious?
What do you do to prepare yourself before entering a social situation that might cause anxiety?
Are there social situations that make you feel comfortable and happy? Engage more here.
Where do you draw your self-confidence? Do more of that.
How is your sleep?
words for when you experience social anxiety
If you experience any level of social anxiety, I hope you know you are not alone. Let these affirmations comfort you and give you a sense of confidence and peace.
i can prepare myself for this situation.
i am worthy to be liked.
new experiences with new friends are waiting for me.
i take deep breaths.
i create boundaries that allow new experiences in small steps.
I hope you have a peaceful week. Thank you for supporting this newsletter financially.
with gratitude,
kyunghee