we all live with uncertainty
certainty and self worth, comfort in the unknown, moving forward
In my 20s, I made certain declarations that I was so sure about: The kind of person I would marry, where I would live, who my lifelong friends would be, having the career of my dreams, that I would love the church forever, etc. But if there is one thing none of us can escape from in this life (along with death), is
the truth that our lives are and will be filled with uncertainties no matter how many intricate, research-supported, prayer-supported plans we have in place and
this reality of uncertainty I have come to know is actually a comforting truth.
I think we were 35 years old here. We were making our “40 before 40 list” - 40 things we wanted to accomplish before we turned 40 years old. While I can say I have been able to “check off” some boxes, the ones that meant the most to me are left unchecked, and possibly indefinitely.
This reality of uncertainty would have discouraged me from fully living if I had known it sooner. I would have been too cautious, too pessimistic, too scared to do anything. Genuinely believing that certain things had to come true if I just worked hard enough was comforting back then because the formula was simple to understand. Enough effort equals outcome that I was seeking. Sure, it does happen, but sometimes, it doesn’t even with much effort and sacrifice. You might even have a story of your own here.
You were so certain it was going to be. So then you beat yourself up because only one thing can be true then- that you didn’t do enough -
you were not deserving.
This is not the truth even if it feels like the truth on some days.
Having faith in certainty of an outcome can offer lies when it doesn’t come true. It blames you because it believes that you were not enough. When the truth is, life is uncertain no matter what. And this I have come to find comfort in, knowing that my self-worth doesn’t have to be tied to a particular outcome.
So, why don’t some dreams work out? My honest answer to you is, I do not know.
Can we start practicing saying, “I don’t know” to each other? This answer that offers no answers is the exact answer our hurting hearts are longing to hear.
freeing truths that come from uncertainty
Uncertainty can create margin for surprises and even good surprises.
New dreams and new hopes. New doesn’t mean better because we will always grieve over loss no matter how much time has gone by. But, there is room for new dreams.
Uncertainty opens our hearts to creative paths, multiple paths.
We may have control over the process, but we are not in control of the outcome.
It gives us freedom in realizing that there is more we don’t know than what we know.
It offers greater capacity for empathy- for ourselves and each other.
We are not worth more if things work out, or less worthy if things do not.
advice on moving forward in uncertainty
If you are in a space of uncertainties in your life and not sure how to move forward, chances are, you are experiencing a loss too. That’s hard. Uncertainty happens when what we had hoped, planned, doesn’t happen or unexpected happens. When we see it this way, it is safe to say we all live with some level of unknown each day because there is so much we don’t have control over. Like Michigan weather for example.
So, how then do you move forward with less anxiety when things are uncertain? Here is what I found to be helpful in my own experiences of uncertainties and grief:
Take time to grieve what you have lost. If you don’t, it might manifest in other ways like keeping too busy, projecting anger onto someone else, isolation, etc. Journal, therapy if that is in your practice and you have the means.
Receive support. Who is a safe person/people (nice to have a backup too) you can be honest with on what’s been going on in your life. This is not about getting answers, but for emotional and social support which is a human need in order to thrive. Isolation will create more isolation.
What do you see when you look at this photo? On this anniversary weekend in 2019, we were in one of the most difficult seasons in our marriage. You could never tell because we are all good at hiding when we need to. The reason I share this snapshot is because
we waited too long.
We waited too long to open up again. Leo and I shared our marriage troubles before with people who, unfortunately, made us feel really badly. So, when you get burned like that, you close off- for a long time. But, life doesn’t have to be experienced this way- staying closed off. I can talk about this another time, but there are many reasons people behave terribly I realized.
Here is what I want you to know, especially if you have been burned before. Those were not the right people to share your pain with. There is nothing wrong with your pain. It’s hard to let others in again, but it’s better with people - even one other person. It was too hard on our own.
Take time for the wounds to heal, but don’t wait too long to create your support system, even if takes more than one try.
Start thinking about/work towards a new dream. This happens alongside grieving the loss. Healing and life isn’t linear. We don’t have a set time to grieve and then move on, it happens together.
Rely on simple rituals/routines when life is turbulent. What can you wake up to each morning that you can look forward to? Or maybe you set up a weekly time to see a friend. Rituals and routines are predictable and this can help us feel grounded.
If there is a decision that needs to be made suddenly, choose the easier choice. What decision can you sustain?
In the uncertainties you might be facing, you are not alone. I don’t know when you will start to feel better, but I believe you will in small moments. And,
I do know your story isn’t over.
wishing you a gentle week,
kyunghee
I read your post the other day but came back to it today so I could sit on it. I Read your list of freeing truths that come from uncertainty with my husband today and we were blessed. Thank u!