Where did you learn how friendships work?
Chances are, most of us were never taught. I wasn’t. It’s one of those life skills we assume we are born knowing how to do. So we watch and pay attention to interactions around us and that becomes our manual for how to make friends and how to be a friend. What we soon realize is that
friendships are anything but simple. Because human beings are complicated.
I can’t say I cracked the code to this thing called friendship by any means, but along the way, I have discovered some important truths that are more true to me than anything I believed in when I was in my 20s and 30s.
15 friendship truths I am glad to know now
These insights were learned through some of the most difficult, healing, and beautiful friendships in my life. I hope these truths offer us a sense of freedom and grace knowing that there isn’t a one sized fits all when it comes to people.
Some friends will be more important to you during a certain season. For example, during the rise of the Asian Hate crimes, I only shared my sorrows and fears with my Asian sisters even if some of them weren’t close before. This doesn’t discredit my other friendships, but certain seasons call for certain people to draw closer. Shared pain.
When a friendship ends on a sour note, remember the good in it and the good that it’s doing for you both now that you have gone your separate ways.
Friends for different needs. Friends we have fun with, coworker friends who understand the work you, friends you can connect with on an emotional level, friends you run errands with, etc. They are equally important. Not one person can meet all our needs. That’s a lot of pressure to put on one person with no room to be human. When we realize no one person can meet all our needs, we will actually enjoy the friends in our lives even more.
Know yourself. Because I am introverted in nature, this means I need alone time to recharge my batteries before I can fully engage with people. Introverted doesn’t mean antisocial- this is a big misconception. Where do you get your energy - by spending time by yourself, or spending time with others? That is the only difference between extroverts and introverts. Noting how and where you recharge your energy bucket will make friendships easier and fulfilling.
Friendships look different in different seasons. This one was a hard reality for me in the recent years that came with disappointments and heartaches. When a friend is in our lives for a long time, you experience seasons together - perhaps marriage, becoming a parent, or other life changes. And change may come with changes in priorities and the space they have for you in this season is smaller than what it was before. It can be painful. This is when you must find a new rhythm together.
Friendships shouldn’t be forced. Have you ever wanted to be friends with someone, but no matter how hard you try, how hard they try, you just don’t seem to click even though you respect each other as people. While I absolutely do believe that you need to put in the effort to maintain and grow a friendship, sometimes for no particular reason, it just doesn’t click. That is okay.
Friendships come in different sizes. In high school, college, and post college, I never had a “group” of friends to call my own. I had individual relationships with people, but not a group where we would declare to each other, “you are it, you are my people.” Maybe I watched too much of Friends, but I was envious of this group aspect of friendship and thought it was the hallmark of what friends do. In my 40s now, I am realizing this is far from the truth. Sure I still don’t have this consistent group of girlfriends, but the friends I do have, even if it’s more on an individual basis, they are treasures to me. We can define what is good for ourselves.
Friends take turns, but not in a 50/50 kind of way. More like 100/100. I still remember a conversation I had with one of my girlfriends during a difficult season in her marriage. We probably chatted almost everyday that week which was rare for us. During one conversation, I received a text from her saying how sorry she is she didn’t even ask me how I have been doing. I texted her back and said “Sometimes, it’s all about you. Sometimes, it’s all about me.” When it comes to relationships in general, I think people are too hung up on receiving their fair share. Am I getting what I am giving? The thing is, life can be messy. There are plenty of times in this particular friendship where it’s been all about me and my needs while my friend’s needs took a backseat and was there for me. Friends know how to take turns without keeping count.
Tell your friends more “I love you”, “I appreciate you”, “you are a good friend.”
Assume best intentions. Too many times I would get upset over a friend who has gone missing-in-action for weeks only to find out that they were going through something hard. Yes, that friend could have reached out, but it’s not that simple. I think we are all practicing vulnerability. It isn’t easy for any of us. Ask, reach out first, give space.
Expect the kind of friend only you are willing to be.
No friendship lasts without compassion, effort, and honesty. Compassion means forgiveness, effort means staying connected because it does take work, and honesty if you want to grow in intimacy with each other.
Friendships show up in unexpected ways, unexpected places. During the pandemic through a Korean sisters online meet up, I have met some amazing people where those gatherings turned into some friendships. Also, two people I met on Instagram turned into real-life good friends now here in Ann Arbor. I am still kind of amazed at this because this is not something I would do before. When we are rigid and closed off, we might be missing out on some of the amazing friendships out there. Stay open.
Friendships take so much courage. No one tells you this, but it does. It’s hard meeting new people and it’s just as hard building trust and letting someone in. We will get hurt, it is inevitable. But, we will also experience a love that is only experienced through friends. No one really knows what they are doing- we are figuring it out together.
You can outgrow some friendships. People are protective of childhood friends and I can see why they have a special place in our hearts. But, when the connection is no longer there and/or it isn’t healthy anymore, it may be time to let that friendship go rather than holding onto it for the sake of having history together.
comforting friendship words to carry with you
I find adult friendships to be hard because we all have responsibilities and obligations outside of ourselves so there seems to be less time, less room for others. But, we are all trying. No matter where you are at in your various friendships, I hope comfort finds you.
have a peaceful week,
kyunghee
So glad you're writing about this topic, Kyunghee. It's something we really don't talk about enough. Thank you for sharing. 💜
Kyunghee, what a great topic. And you spoke to it so we’ll. Friendship does, in deed, take courage.