At the depths of our hearts, we all want to be vulnerable. It is in our nature to want to connect and in return to be accepted still, on a level that makes us feel good scared and exposed. Because deep friendships can be scary and yes, we feel exposed.
But, I like to argue that vulnerability is not only about sharing our darkest pains and secrets. And, although it can be seen as something that can be a barrier to growth or the thing that brings the friendship closer, it’s not that simple.
Vulnerability is emotional exposure and how we give and experience it is different for each of us. And when we understand that vulnerability for us may be different than vulnerability for someone else, we might be able to experience mutual closeness and appreciation rather than demanding it to look like ours.
what does vulnerability look like for you?
People think I am a very vulnerable person because of the kind of writing I share and have published- many of them being personal essays. It makes sense. Of course it takes a level of vulnerability to write the pieces that I do because it does take courage and risk. But for me, I know I am being my most vulnerable self if I can reach out to a friend in the middle of the night or super early in the morning when I am having an anxiety moment.
Asking for favors feels vulnerable to me.
Or, when I can call a friend randomly and ask them to come over on impromptu just to hang out because I miss them. Because the risk and rejection is greater and frankly, I am not there yet. I will be. It’s hard.
It’s hard because it’s calling me to leave my comfort zone where I feel safe. But safety can be misleading too. It can stunt our growth, the expanding of our hearts.
So, how do you know what being vulnerable is for you? I would ask yourself these questions:
“What actions feel vulnerable to me?”, “What take courage?”, “What feels risky in a good way?”
How we experience it is really personal.
Vulnerability can look like (not limited to):
sharing an important project you have been working on
inviting a friend to come see you perform
sharing about your past
asking for favors
asking a friend over
sharing your pains/struggles
celebrating achievements (yes, this too!)
calling them out of the blue … etc.
and why is this important?
It’s important to know how we experience vulnerability because practicing it also means it’s a practice of courage and taking risks that shows a new way of letting someone in. And, when we show ourselves and others a different part to who we are, we are saying that this part exists.
To show, to let in, is risky beautiful love.
notes on vulnerability to carry with you
I want to end today’s letter with some notes that I hope is helpful in reflecting on ways you can grow in your vulnerability in your friendships and ways you can stay gentle too.
Start small. Start with what feels less risky to you. For instance, maybe I will try texting a friend when I am having an anxious moment rather than calling. Texting seems smaller than calling and this might be a good start for me.
Vulnerability is earned. This is a big lesson I learned from reading Brené Brown’s books. Not everyone deserves your heart in that way.
Because we experience it differently, recognize when a friend is opening up themselves in a new way, even if it doesn’t feel “vulnerable” to you. Notice their vulnerability and you can even name it and thank them.
It takes immense courage. Give yourself grace.
It is risky so safe people is a must. Risky also means possible rejection.
You may experience a friendship deeper than you had imagined.
Remember, it’s hard for everyone. You are not alone.
It can feel uncomfortable, scary, strange, good, all at once.
We can’t avoid risk if we want growth.
Vulnerability is not only for the feelers. It is about stepping out of our comfort zone. It is not a weakness.
I like to believe that vulnerability makes us brave and it’s worth it with the right people.
have a peaceful week,
kyunghee
personally….
My publisher started a podcast called Book by Book and I had a chance to talk to Leann, the publicist, about my book See Us Bloom. We had this conversation back in October of 2022 and it was fun talking about why I wrote the book along with the inside scoop on the main character and why I chose poetry as the genre. Listen to the episode here.
just for fun- I live in a cute, eclectic neighborhood and this house always dresses up their dinosaur based on different seasons and holidays. I look forward to it each time.
Weird! I was going to write about this exact topic but you've done a way better job. Vulnerability in friendship is so weird because its what MAKES a good friendship BUT there can come a point where it ends up feeling so awkward. i love everything you shared