How often do you think to yourself- “what do I want to do? Or wait, I shouldn’t think that - what should I be doing?” Forever, how I spent my time was dependent on submitting to the shoulds in my life. I was really good at it. I was a good student all throughout schooling even though my brain doesn’t work in the traditional way so I had to work extra hard to get a B. I got the “noble” career as a school educator because I didn’t want to be a doctor or a lawyer. Even then, even this decision had a lot to do with what kind of choice I should be making.
When we make decisions out of shoulds, it almost always includes what someone else wants for us or people we want to stand tall in front of - parents, spouses, kids, friends, society. It almost always has nothing to do with what we actually want.
They are other people’s shoulds, other people’s visions for us. They don’t belong to us. We don’t have to claim it.
Shoulds make us feel like a responsible citizen, whereas submitting to our wants make us look …. irresponsible and childish. Even if we are miserable spending our waking days answering to the shoulds, who doesn’t want appear responsible? No one wants to be called childish.
We were taught that “needs'“ and “wants” are different and we should only spend our resources on our wants after we have our met our needs. Giving in to our desires seems lavish, selfish, and even irresponsible. Obviously, our basic needs are necessary, but I have been wondering about if wants and needs always have to contradict each other, or
is there a space where what we desire becomes what we really need? I believe yes. And, by feeding our wants we are also feeding what we need.
It’s not a selfish act. It’s an act of listening and discovery.
It’s an act of being curious about why is it that I want that? What does this desire say about me and where I am at?
words for listening to our wants
I have been back to the physical church building and actually went consistently for a few months. Well, now that was a month ago and haven’t been back since. Aside from prior commitments we’ve been having on Sundays, there are also Sundays where I actually don’t want to go. If I listened to my shoulds, I would go as a dutiful believer.
Just for show.
Maybe you know what it feels like to show up just for show, too. So, when I listened to what I wanted to do on a particular Sunday, things that would come up are sleeping an extra hour because my body needs it, taking an extra long hike which is prayer practice for me, slowing down with an actual breakfast, and connecting with my husband or a friend I haven’t seen in a while. Slowing down to do some connected activities- are these “spiritual” acts? It has been for me. And honestly, outside of the church building is where the deepest and honest conversations about faith and growth happens for me with those who I feel safe around.
By listening to what I want, I ended up feeding what I needed in that moment. So what if acting on our desires is not a bad thing?
If I only listened to my shoulds, there is no way I would consider leaving my some might consider a very comfortable career.
Shoulds might keep us disciplined and this is true, and of course this is not a call to be irresponsible (or maybe?) but I gently encourage us to just consider what it would look like to start listening to the desires of your heart. It is more than possible they are good desires.
Aren’t you curious to know what would happen if you listened and responded with a yes?
Let’s not abandon ourselves.
What is it that you want to do today? Take a nap? Take up that hobby? Apply for that job? Drink more water? Take a mental health day from work? Call up that friend? Finally have that conversation.
It might be exactly what your soul and body needs.
It’s okay to listen to your wants. It is not selfish. To suppress is to abandon yourself.
Days might be long, but
years are fast. Time doesn’t stop for any of us. I hope for bravery that allows us to show up as we are, not being ashamed about the very things that light us up.
have a connected week,
kyunghee