can hope ever be a bad thing?
reflections on grief & letting in new things is our way to healing
Even now, when I am in a moment of happiness without a thought of what I don’t have, what I worry about, what breaks my heart-
I am still surprised that I can have moments like this that is mine.
So a miracle didn’t happen to me, to us. We never did have that miracle baby. We believe we prayed enough, sacrificed enough- even our wellbeing- for this thing we wanted so badly until
we said, this is it. We can’t live in the misery of hope anymore.
Am I saying hope is a bad thing? Hope is what kept us going until it didn’t. Eventually when hope keeps you from the present, from actually living the life that is, then it can keep you in a standstill of pain.
Is your hope for something else keeping you in a standstill of pain?
My grief was never meant to be contained. My grief was never meant to be in the past. My grief needed to be set free in order for me to cry for it, care for it, carry it to eventually, let it go.
Your grief is not meant to be contained.
So we faced it. We brought it to the present and said to each other finally after many, many years-
I think this life we have, together, it is just us. The two of us. Can we brave it and do it? The answer was a no and we did not want to let go of our dream, but we needed to let go of the misery of hope.
There is no doubt in my mind that it was courageous and good for us to hope all those years. Our hope in a child was genuine and real, and it was what we needed in order to keep on trying when we wanted to give up. But when we have exhausted the options we were comfortable with, it was getting to be clear it wasn’t going to happen for us. Hope needs to change sometimes. What we were hoping in needed to change.
I have come to experience that perhaps it is even more courageous to hope that I actually will be okay without this baby thing ever happening to me. That our marriage may one day feel whole even without. I wanted to hope in that. I wanted to hope that new dreams were possible. That my heart can be excited for something else other than.
People say faith is believing something good can come out of something bad. This statement has always bothered me because to me this means, all bad things are then justified as long as good can come from it. What if faith is believing that you did not do anything to deserve or cause this pain and even in it,
there is more to see. there is good waiting.
There is good still waiting for you even without.
That you are still good even without.
There is more to see in this life is what we tell ourselves. Those of us who have dreams that died, it is what it is- a death. It is not just a death of that one dream, but the life and experiences that surround that dream also die. We can grieve over a good thing ending too. We miss what was and time becomes an enemy of what could never be again.
Crying is grieving. Being angry is grieving. Loving is grieving. Reminiscing is grieving. Hoping is grieving. Do all these things. And, also- let things in.
Letting new things in is also grieving.
For a long time, all I have known was sadness, anger, and resentment. Nothing was enjoyable. What I have learned is that letting in new things, good things- can be hard, even when we don’t want to be stuck in the sadness. We fear time passing by and in some strange way, we feel that we are closer to the person or the thing we are grieving over if we can just be frozen in time. But time doesn’t wait for us and soon, we see seasons changing (literally), people getting older, kids growing up, flowers budding and then to a full bloom. And there I was, in the past, still.
When I can live my life with my husband and not wish for something different each time I pass by our now yoga room, once a baby room- I no longer blame us for what could not happen. I may pause at the entryway of that room and for a brief second imagine what could have been and then let it go. I don’t pray by the doorway anymore, hoping and wishing because I choose to be here, in the present, in this life that still offers so much good. Who knows what the future has for any one of us. We only have today.
A miracle did happen though but at the time, I didn’t recognize it as a miracle. In the midst of suffering and pain, if we can experience moments of true laughter, happiness, and be excited about something again,
that is a miracle
because honestly, I didn’t think I would laugh again or desire anything else.
words for when grief is real and the courage to let new things in
If you are in a season of looking back, missing what was, or overwhelmed by old grief that still haunts you, you are not alone. While there is no right way to grieve and it’s personal to each one of us, I wonder if it might be time for some of us to grieve through allowing new things in-
to be present to your life today. We are creatures of habits so many times staying in the cave of sadness is easier- it can almost be comforting because it is what we know. And, there will come a time where your grief asks you to get out of the cave and live the life you actually do have. Hope for what could have been, what should have been can spiral us into being stuck in a moment that we so badly want to change but can’t. As much as we think we have control over our lives, we don’t.
We only have today. I said this before, but the more I live life, the more I see it as a series of goodbyes and a series of hellos. How we respond to it is up to us.
So, I wish for you to laugh again, to breathe again, to open your heart to what this new season might bring. I hope these affirmations give you comfort and courage.
even in this grief, i am deserving of love.
i enter this new season expecting new good things to come my way.
i let go of the past because it wasn’t my fault.
my heart is open to healing.
my heart is open to good things.
I hope you have a healing week.
-kyunghee