Spaces of belonging.
It seems like they are set in stone, but life changes us and we grow. We grow in our values, how we want to spend our time and with whom, the kind of impact we want to make.
So, inevitably, spaces of belonging changes over time.
You know it has changed when you are only in it for the sake of commitment, routine, or it’s strictly for other people (in other words, out of guilt). We don’t want to let others down and fear what they might think of us. So, we stay and stay and soon, we build up feelings of weariness, stress, and even bitterness. We wonder what changed. That’s the thing-
dreams change. Priorities change. Where our passions lie change. Communities we find belonging in also changes. My measures of knowing when I need to be in a different space is these three things: is this space still meaningful, joyful, and is there a sense of connectedness?
I think the thing that has been difficult to grapple with when it comes to no longer wanting to be part of something is the very notion that we may not actually care about that thing anymore- at least not to the extent we used to. And
that’s okay. People might be disappointed and we just have to live with the fact that not everyone will like us or support us. When you decide that space is no longer your space, people will either be supportive of you or treat you like you abandoned the team.
Their reaction is not yours to control, nor yours to own. You don’t have to own their opinions on you.
I think about the relationships I have with some of my co-workers. Some of them I used to be close with until I decided that teaching is not going to be my thing. Other values in life took up more space than teaching. I do my best job at school with the highest integrity, without compromising where I want to put my energy towards. The spaces I want to be part of. So, along the way, some friendships were lost and I am coming into terms with being okay- finally. Because I can appreciate what we had, I can move on with peace.
We can’t possible stay in spaces for the sake of making others feel comfortable while we are uncomfortable.
I think the Korean in me knows how to be a devoted person. I am loyal by nature, the rule follower. And stepping away from spaces feels out of my nature. But, that’s the thing about growth and truly loving ourselves- doing things outside of our nature.
Has your professional or personal spaces of belonging changed over the years? What do you think made this shift?
how to know when where you show up needs a change
Change is hard. Even when we want it, it’s hard. But, in order to live a life where we can fully show up as we are today, we might need a change of scenery. Here are some ways that might be helpful in reflecting on whether stepping back or away from a particular space is what you need:
when you find yourself no longer showing interest on the topic, the purpose, etc.
when you find yourself intentionally being involved in a new group, cause, activity, etc no matter how busy you are.
when you are showing up only out of commitment and other people’s expectations of you. Even when the work is service oriented, I believe you yourself have to take joy and purpose in it. Take inventory of how you feel in these spaces - expansive or contracted.
when it no longer fits into your life (time, alignment).
when you’re in that space and you feel like the former you, not the you of today.
words for when you are seeking a new space of belonging
I hope these words embrace you today, knowing that while a few spaces may be with us forever, most spaces change.
i can choose to step away from spaces that no longer allow me to be my changing self.
i can appreciate what was, and still desire to let go.
there are spaces of belonging i have yet to explore.
wishing you courage,
kyunghee