(this is a bit long today. thank you for being here)
how do you live in the now, when you’re still
searching for the sweet, in the bittersweet?
a question I have been asking myself, maybe you can relate.
We live our days with expectations from the moment we wake up. We expect to have a good day or not. We expect to come home, stay safe, etc. Just another ordinary day, until it isn’t.
Lisa had a way of talking about the future as if it already happened. Like the time she told me I would quit my teaching career very soon, that I would write books and do other things, all before I even had a chance to daydream about any of it. She did leave out one small detail of this future-
that she wasn’t going to be here to see it.
When I first received a copy of my book in my hands in January of 2023, I wanted to run to my friend Lisa and tell her
“Lisa, you were right, yet again. And guess what? I am thinking about quitting my job but you already knew that.”
When I hosted a small book celebration dinner at my home, Lisa would have been there with her classic “I told you so” older sister kind of smirk. I know she was there in spirit, but sometimes, it’s okay to say, it’s not the same. Today, it’s not enough.
So, how do you live in the now, when you’re still
searching for the sweet, in the bittersweet?
words for living in the now, when bitterness remains
Soon after Lisa was diagnosed with a rare cancer, she called her friends to make vision boards. Not where you glue on images of what you want your future to be, but more like a reminder board of what you already have, what you want to hold onto. We flipped through magazines, got paint, and wrote words and drew images of the things that still remain true.
You have to hold onto what is still true, even if other things are not.
Lisa wrote down how miraculously she still had a shiny full head of hair after chemo, she never lost her wit, and while in treatment she was meeting with students because she absolutely loved being a career counselor. Not everything was taken.
It will be 2 years this summer and somehow, I am moving. I am moving forward without moving on. You must move. You must feel the air again, laugh again, you must.
Daily walks this week were in slow motion because of freezing rain we’ve been getting, limiting my vision to each step. Taking it slow. A reminder that when we don’t know what to do, we put one foot in front of the other and eventually you are walking again.
how do you live in the now, when bitterness remains?
you keep going, even if you go slow
how do you live in the now, when bitterness remains?
you notice when the sky takes your breath away
how do you live in the now, when bitterness remains?
you let the hot water wash over you in the shower and notice you can still feel
how do you live in the now, when bitterness remains?
you admit you are heartbroken, angry, sad- and…
you don’t deprive yourself of truths that are still there
you face the fact that there will be many many things in life you won’t ever understand- letting go of understanding is moving towards peace
trying to understand and make sense of it may not be your job.
how do you live in the now, when bitterness remains?
you let people love you in your bitterness
One step, one meal, one shower, one day, one week, one month at a time is how we move. We may never move on from what happened or didn’t happen, but we can move forward because
not everything is taken from us.
Sending you warmth and love,
kyunghee