why i don't keep a gratitude journal
reflections on gratitude & grief, possibility of another way
If gratitude journal or list hasn’t made you more grateful, there is nothing wrong with you.
Take a deep breath. There is nothing with you.
I have never been more dedicated to a craft then
writing in a gratitude journal, making gratitude lists
and because even my friends know I am into this practice, I would receive gratitude notebooks of some kind for my birthdays. I wrote in all the gratitude journals for years until about two years ago-
and that is when I actually found gratitude. I found it when I stopped making a list.
When I stopped forcing myself to think of the positive, the rainbow after the storm, the silver lining - the reason for the misfortunes. I think there was a big part of me believed that if I was more grateful, bad things wouldn’t happen to me. But, here is the thing - being more grateful didn’t stop bad things from happening nor did it make me more positive. It created a callous around my heart to not feel- to be numb to it all and just declare that
all is good. That, there is still something to be thankful for. That what I thought with my head was more important than the truth of my heart
because my heart wanted to say -
this sucks, really bad. I am hurt. I can’t believe that happened to her. I don’t see a way out of this - etc
But,
a gratitude list was about the head, not the heart. Logically, with my head, I could always come up with something to be thankful for, but all that felt so forced.
I am not here claiming that doing a gratitude list is wrong or that you should stop. I know there is plenty of research that supports the benefits of it. And perhaps it has saved your life. And, I hope that is true.
And, for those of us whose lives have been hardened by this practice when it was supposed to create kindness towards ourselves and actually see that life was still good….
you are not alone if gratitude made you ungrateful.
For me, it became a practice of disconnecting with my heart- not being completely honest with myself with the things that were actually happening. Gratitude lists encouraged me to neglect my grief instead of nurturing it.
Forcing ourselves to be thankful doesn’t make us more thankful
being honest with how we are truly feeling, acknowledging the loss, and taking it day by day, sometimes moment by moment
in doing the things that make us feel a tiny bit better creates this window of light-
this is when we genuinely feel and see thanksgiving-
a gratitude that is just our own and may not look like anyone else’s.
just live your life, and the gratitude will come
So what do I mean when I say I found gratitude when I stopped making a list? I literally put away my gratitude journals and
just lived my life without trying to constantly look for things to be thankful for.
Pay attention to what brings relief, a small joy that you need and do those things more often. I love being helpful to my friends. I love cleaning my home. I love mindlessly doing dishes when I don’t want to think. I love voice texting back and forth with my sister. I love binging on K-Drama. I love being in spaces that are pretty.
When I did more of these things, I was unknowingly grateful for being able to have things in my life to truly be grateful for - but this “list” looks different than most peoples or what I thought gratitude was.
Me loving doing dishes was gratitude for having dishes to do when I was looking for a way to keep busy without thinking, or
watching K-Drama made me think of the friend who always has something for me to watch and how I could count on her.
Even moments when I would randomly find my late friend’s just because card fall out of a book that I am reading, I take time to cry again and am so glad I kept the card.
Or moments when I turn to look at my husband and just feel completely in love- what a miracle that is because it is kind of rare.
I am not really sure if I am making any sense here, but I hope it connects with you in some small way. What I want to say is that you don’t have to keep a gratitude journal to feel that you are good, that this is what good people do, or to feel better by fast-forwarding your reality, but
you can live your life, moment by moment, minute by minute, breath by breath, in anger and in curiosity, in sadness and in awe
and your only job might really be is to pay attention
pay attention to life. Is there anything more important than to pay attention?
And perhaps it’s when we live our lives and pay attention, we unknowingly find ourselves
being grateful.
I hope you have a week where you can just live your life as is.
love,
kyunghee
I would love for you to share….
For those who keep a gratitude journal, how has it helped you?
For those who don’t keep a gratitude journal, how do you cultivate a heart of gratitude?
This posting is perfect for this time of year! Instead of beating myself up for not keeping up with my gratitude journal, I will be more compassionate, and pay attention to the moments of gratitude as I experience them 💖