why certain spaces might give us discomfort
what my college days at MSU taught me about belonging
The day I stepped my foot onto the campus of Michigan State University for college was a day I won’t forget. Not because there were so many Asians, but how I honestly felt about it- it was uncomfortable and intimidating to my surprise. Later, I would learn that this discomfort was actually grief.
Outside of my Korean community of my umma, appa, and little sis, and Sundays at a Korean church, my world was white. Unknowingly, I had gotten used to being around only white kids having grown up in Utica, Michigan-
that when I actually encountered a space of so many Asians, it felt uncomfortable. It didn’t feel like home at first. I was grieving over what I was missing out on.
This white space made me both invisible and stand out for all the wrong reasons. And when you are treated like the other for most of your childhood, there is no getting over it, but there is adapting to it because it means survival. You need to survive.
So I survived those lonely years in Utica with my sister who was my saving grace. We ignored the teasing and all the “ching-chong” and “chink” name calling while we swallowed our tears whole, not letting any gestures show we were bothered. Korea called us home. But the days turned into months and then to years. And one day,
Korea didn’t call us anymore. And somehow, we survived.
But what do you do when you no longer want to just survive. What if someone or something wakes you up and you realize you want to, I mean you deserve to thrive.
And this thriving means reclaiming parts of you that was lost, maybe even stolen. This was what I felt in my soul that day at MSU and in my years there. How was it possible to be uncomfortable around other Asians, Koreans- my own people? It’s possible when you haven’t been around them all your life and you conditioned yourself not to like them.
My first year at MSU was reckoning of sorts. Suddenly, I felt white around Koreans who seemed so Korean in my eyes. They knew the latest K-pop band and spoke better Korean. What have I lost in the years I tried to be someone else? Why am I not connecting with these Koreans who supposedly are my people? It was hard, heartbreaking, bewildering- all at once.
My story didn’t stop there of course. What I have learned is that while some spaces of belonging feels like home the moment you meet them,
sometimes belonging doesn’t come naturally or magically. Sometimes, the uncomfortable encounters find its way into the deepest crevice of our soul that no other person was able to reach. Suddenly, this person, this space, these people become your people where you can actually breathe -for the first time.
we are meant to thrive
Maybe you too couldn’t recognize your home because you had to change to fit into someone else’s home. You had to change your appearance, how you spoke, where you lived, what you liked, etc. It’s like I made myself not like Asians as a child because hanging out with them meant more shaming for me. It wasn’t until I opened myself up to what it might be like to have a Korean friend (not only at church, but an everyday friend) that this discomfort slowly turned into
a feeling of I can be myself now.
Have you ever neglected what home could feel like because you just had to survive? And surviving meant putting on a mask. Surviving meant hiding.
I think it’s worth reflecting on our current spaces of belonging and honestly sit with ourselves and ask if these places and people truly allow us to be ourselves or are they spaces we thought we had to be a part of in order to gain a sense of worth. False sense of worth.
Belonging can feel uncomfortable, especially when we have conditioned ourselves to be a certain way. But, it’s worth the risk, the work, and the courage.
words for when you need courage in seeking a new space of belonging
If you are seeking a new space of belonging or reflecting on current ones, I hope these words encourage you to be gentle and compassionate towards yourself, and offer you courage to want to thrive as you are.
i will choose courage even though it’s uncomfortable.
i deserve to thrive, not only survive.
i will let go of what others want me to be and be curious about what i want to be.
i will come out of the hiding to experience what true belonging feels like.
where my story belongs is where i belong.