I try to avoid goodbyes.
But, when I don’t, I am filled with more love than I can possibly understand.
I had to face one of the hardest goodbyes in my adult life.
When good things end, we are reminded yet again how good it really was. Maybe we didn’t appreciate it enough while it was here. I don’t think I knew just how special it was because I assumed it would be there, endlessly.
Life is strange. Sometimes it feels like hard things last forever while good thing come to an end. Time doesn’t seem to favor the good times. And, maybe that’s life’s lesson of fragility and beauty of it all.
I have been eating at the same Korean restaurant for almost 20 years. This space has seen me start my first job as a teacher, go through graduate school, and even get married. Although ahjumma and ahjusshi (Mr. and Mrs.) and I didn’t get close until recent years (really due to my hard-to-warm-up personality), in my heart they were people who I could come to without judgement. When you are fed no matter the kind of day you’ve had, no matter how badly you treated others or yourself- when you are fed with compassion, these are meal you won’t forget.
I went there for the food because to me, it tasted like home food, which I always craved more than perfectly plated fancy places any day of the week. In these past months though, I realized I went there for its warm, cozy, joyous atmosphere where college kids and adults would go to take the day off of their shoulders and just be.
We went in for the last meal, to say goodbye, but then we kept going back for one more, and then another. I was avoiding saying goodbye. The impact this place, ahjumma and ahjusshi, had on my life was greater than I had thought and they took up more space in my heart than I knew.
I owe them a goodbye. Goodbyes aren’t an act of an end, but it’s one of gratitude for what it was. And what it was shouldn’t be ignored. It needs to be honored and celebrated - with a goodbye.
How do you view goodbyes? It’s easy to avoid out of wanting to be in denial or it’s just too painful. I have come to learn that it can be a way of honoring the person and how important it is to take this step in a relationship. It’s an act of vulnerability.
words for when it’s hard to say goodbye
It’s hard no matter what. Even if we might see each other again, you just never know about life. And perhaps it’s because of this “see you later” mentality, we avoid goodbyes. While this is certainly a positive way to view a relationship- hoping we will meet again- there is something about the act of actually saying “thank you, goodbye” marks your appreciation and that you truly will miss them, deeply. And when life takes you by a surprise and you do meet again, you are grateful. But, when it doesn’t, you are grateful you said goodbye.
Because we know when we say goodbye, we are also saying take good care, I will miss you, I love you, I will remember you, thank you, you have made a difference in my life. Goodbyes are all of these gestures and more.
When you aren’t sure of what to say, say what’s on your heart. I know this sounds cliche, but it’s the truth. Don’t hold back. Tell them how you truly feel. Look at their face. If you feel more comfortable on paper, write a letter or a card instead.
If you weren’t able to say goodbye and the person is no longer physically here, you can write a letter still. You can say goodbye in a prayer, or tell someone they were close to just much they meant to you if you didn’t have a chance. Our goodbyes won’t go void.
We live in a culture where we are too quick to move onto the next thing. So this ended, now what- what’s next? What we crave though, in our hearts, is not what is next- but we actually crave time and space to acknowledge, voice, celebrate, even grieve in what it was.
There is beauty and significance in grieving the good. And, saying our goodbyes is part of this grieving.
If there is someone you owe a goodbye to, I hope you take courage and know that there is nothing you can say that is wrong. I know it’s hard because when we actually do say our goodbyes, it feels like an end. But the thing is,
while it might be an end of that season, it’s also a creation of space to declare the mark it had on your life. It deserves that space.
I hope you have a peaceful week,
Kyunghee
update on newsletter
There will be a weekly newsletter for the month of May. Starting in June, it might go monthly free, and weekly paid. I will keep you posted. Thank you for reading and supporting my work.