Gratitude can be polarizing.
People are either 100% in with journals, bumper stickers, prayers, etc, or 100% out and find it to be toxic in its assumed position of forced thanksgiving.
What is it about the act of gratitude that either holds us or pushes us away?
Last week, I wrote about why I don’t keep a gratitude journal and how this actually freed me to find more thanksgiving in my life. Today I want to talk about how the practice of gratitude is actually more complicated than we think and perhaps the complex nature of it is where we find a practice that welcomes us whole-
in our imperfections, in our grief, in the nuances of life, in the unexpected surprises, in the good, in the hard -
in the lives we actually live, not the one we hope for.
I used to be 100% in for most of my young adult life and you better believe I have preached toxic positivity to my friends and family until
I was 100% out. But, this didn’t help me to live a whole life either. It caused me to be bitter and negative all the time. I was either too positive with rose colored glasses, refusing to see some of the hard realities and mysteries of life, or too negative where the most beautiful sunrise would be right in front of my eyes and I wouldn’t even see it.
But, I don’t blame myself for my thinking or way of life, whether in toxic positivity or no gratitude at all because it’s where I was at the time. There is harm in going back to the past and wishing you thought differently - why you were ignorant, etc. What you knew is what you knew at the time. What you knew was your truth even if it has changed over time.
Somewhere in between is where I found true gratitude and a gratitude that goes beyond a particular season like the holidays.
You don’t have to be all in to be a grateful person.
You just have to be honest in what comes your way.
words for in-between spaces of gratitude and sorrow
Seasons like the holidays can feel forced. Forced emotions you actually don’t feel. Everything looks cherry on the outside, but the life you are experiencing doesn’t seem to mirror the occasion, so you feel a bit
out of place.
When you are not feeling cheery when everyone else is, you don’t have to feel cheery.
When you are feeling cheery at random moments, allow yourself to feel cheery.
When you find yourself being thankful at the smallest of things that no one sees, open your heart and feel the gratitude for the tiny things of life.
When you are overcome with sorrow in a room full of people you love and you wonder why right now, allow yourself to feel the sorrow for what’s missing and be compassionate.
This is how we live in the in-betweens-
this is how we live in the both
this is how we live as our whole selves.
While there is value in practicing gratitude to build those muscles, often, I find that being present with each passing moment is the greatest way to find and allow gratitude to come. And the way you would allow gratitude to come is also the way you would allow grief to flow as well.
Just because you are feeling sad, it doesn’t mean you are not thankful for what you have.
What would it look like to welcome the wholeness of who we are?
Maybe this means to allow space for tears instead of holding it back. Maybe this means getting together with your close friends because it feels good to be surrounded by love even when you are busy. Maybe this means decorating your home a bit more this year to lift your spirits. Maybe this means creating thicker boundaries because you really need it even when it seems like this is the time to be around people all the time.
Maybe it means all of these things and more.
I hope this week, you can create a bit more breathing room to be your whole self, rather than your best self. It’s when we can exhale and be in the day, we find gratitude that wasn’t there before.
sending you gentleness this week,
kyunghee