when friendships don't feel connected
friendship series part 3: ghosting people, expectations, staying open
“I think you’ve been ghosted” were not the words I thought I would hear
until a conversation with a good friend. I have not heard of this term before - being silenced, ignored, without any explanation what-so-ever. It’s basically being stood up on a date and you have no idea what happened, what you did wrong.
During my years of teaching, I was so fascinated by how my students made friends. I worked with little ones - between the ages of 6-11. What was fun to watch is how honest kids can be when it came to making friends. A simple, “Do you want to play on the swings with me?” or the more straightforward “Do you want to be my friend?” were phrases I heard often out in the playground and in the classroom.
And then you grow up.
You notice subtle indirect messages, you worry about getting hurt or hurting someone- so you keep your heart a little closer than before or you start to be distant… all without actual communication other than, ghosting really.
Last week I wrote about playing guessing games with those close to us and in order to go through any seasons together in a good friendship, minimizing guessing games is a must. We must talk to each other and even have the courage to engage in uncomfortable conversations knowing that growing pains are part of growing together. But, what do you do with friendships you aren’t really engaged in anymore? Those you either want to stop the engagement all together or distance yourself a bit because their place in your life is not quite the same anymore. How do you communicate and handle it with care?
Kids seem to know what to do for the most part. “I don’t want to be your friend anymore” is something I heard a lot as a teacher as kids talked to each other. Although this should be said with care, in the right environment, and in the context of a real conversation between two people, I wonder how this kind of honesty might free us. The truth is friendships don’t always work out.
What about you? Have you ever ghosted anyone, been ghosted, or want a change in the dynamics in a relationship, but unsure how to go about it so you feel like you’re in a standstill? Is waiting and letting it fizzle out the best policy, or is the straight-forward truth freeing or hurtful - or
is there a better way to end or change a relationship?
how expectations & assumptions can hurt our friendships
Most kids make friends easily. Most kids also end friendships easily for various reasons from not being in the same class anymore, not enjoying the same hobbies/activities, wanting to hang out with another “crowd” to serious reasons like someone has hurt someone’s feelings. In my years in the classroom, I didn’t see the latter as much because kids are graciously forgiving and giving. They make friends, fight, and make up pretty effortlessly for the most part.
As adults though, it is not as easy as fighting and then making up because we expect too much. Sometimes, we except something we ourselves aren’t willing to give.
In any new or even older friendships, we really don’t know how it might turn out. But, we make assumptions and even hold expectations from the other person too early. When we do this, we are not letting it evolve naturally.
We can make effort and let it evolve naturally at the same time when we approach our friendships with care, intention, and without judgement of what it could turn into.
We might surprisingly turn into best friends or realize you will remain as co-worker friends, or you will be friends who may run into each other in town and will be so glad to see each other, but you both know you won’t hang out outside of randomly bumping into each other. Or, you remain as internet friends.
When you realize you aren’t really feeling the connection in a friendship, don’t feel guilty. Not all friendship are supposed to be forever, not all friendships are meant to be close. We all have been rejected and have given rejection - indirectly or not. No one is innocent. But how we might communicate this feeling makes all the difference.
six thoughts for when you’re not feeling connected with the friendship
So what do you do? The bigger question to ghosting or not ghosting seem to be “What do I want to do with this friendship and what’s my responsibility in it?” When dealing with possibly hurting someone’s feelings, it is not easy nor is there a right answer because it depends on the history, the dynamics, etc. But, I hope these words are helpful in some way, for those in-between times with friends and offer some insight or new ways of seeing.
If there isn’t an established friendship already and you want to let it fizzle out, I would challenge you to think about why you won’t give this friendship a chance. Check your own judgements before deciding to let it fizzle out.
If a friendship has fizzled out because of physical distance (someone has moved) and you’re okay with it, watch and see where it goes. It’s okay for friendships to naturally fizzle out from both parties.
Consider what other ways you might find connection with this friend that feels new. Sometimes, our expectations are not the right fit for this friendship. For example, maybe you can’t connect on a BFF level like you wished, but you have the same interest in the latest places to eat, etc. So maybe you connect on a less intimate level.
If a friend has distanced you or you are feeling distant because you have changed, this is hard. Some people need time to adjust to the new you so you could give them time. But, if they are still unaccepting of you, it’s not worth your time. True friends allow you to change and grow.
It’s important to consider the whole picture. It may not be about just this one friend, but you could be feeling disconnected from everything and everyone. Reflect on what else might be going on in your life.
If you’ve been ghosted, I am sorry. It’s a terrible feeling. I have no idea what the right thing to do is and I think it’s a personal choice. For me, I focused on what was in my control. My responsibility in this situation was to find a way to let go of my hurts and sadness. Even if the other person caused you hurt, in the end you are responsible for your own emotions and how you want to continue to feel. And, you are worth feeling whole again. It was my choice to not confront, but you may choose to confront. I think it all depends on how much you know the person, the friendship history, how much you want to actually invest in the long run, etc. I may never know what happened, but I decided I don’t need their permission to move on from it.
final thought…
Human beings are made to care for each other. So when that spark or connection isn’t there that we expected, or we get rejected, it’s disappointing. Friendships are mysterious. Some friendships might drift away and you never know how it might come back in a whole new way. While some friendships end permanently. Both have happened to me. And both have surprised me.
When friendships start, end, pause, change, evolve, strengthen, break apart, I hope our hearts can stay open to the good
because it’s the only way to experience and give belonging.
Staying open is helping my relationship with my parents sloooooooowly change in unexpected good ways. I wrote about this day on instagram recently.
I hope you find nourishment in your relationships this week. Thank you for reading/listening. See you next week for part 4 in the friendships series: how to be your own friend.
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love,
Kyunghee